the experiences cost

mercoledi, Dicembre-10,2008
almost morning near 6 a.m.

Last night was an exception. First time to drink biers together with Henry and got directly 2 canns. they are Koffiniert (with caffein). Egal- Whatever! I couldn't sleep. All beginns with that.

But to come with that (sleep problem) I had have some trouble to effectively fullfill my responsibillity as a student for the past few weeks. Yesterday wasn´t any exception so then I decided to go to the city centrum to buy something sweets like stollen or joghurt or anything.

Again I have felt my cook menus to be boring lately. Ah I know it, my whole problem is I am bored. finally I get it. I have thought of it as part of my PMS as it actually repeat after some time. but in simple way I am bored,thx it´s clear. stupid, can´t think straight or clearly lately.

So back then, I´ve bought a pack of karamellisierte Hassellnuss (Hazelnut) from the christmasmarkt in town and bought lots of sweet in supermarkt. Really unlike me to buy those stuffs that I even don´t sure to eat and from the price too.

But this type of consum with frustration happened before, without thinking I bought a pair of winter boots (I was with a girl who make me nervous or minder or whatever-but then I figured that it´s not a correct choice to make and also not pratice in winter), a lamp (at the last day of papa visits without carefully planning-then no big of use and I accidentally broke it also), a type of dress (with intention to be a pair with Lydia-but as it´s not really me then I don´t use it too).

Then also this flat rate Handphone (I´ve sold the PDA handphone while I can´t use it to its maximum function and get myself angry with that ). I bought it at that time I was stucked in Markus House with minim communication during the time. while it was in winter and I spent lots of time in the house with no internet,telephone signal, radio or tvs. I would call it´s a mistake to buy them, as from the function don´t worth the price. But it won´t make a change then to blame on it. Then it´s like an abos handphone so I should pay amount of money per month so that I can call freely. Not suit me much, as I don´t really spend hours in telephone or only use it in need and in my house is the Signal not so good. It´s a shame that I have to use the abo for minimum 2 years then I can stop. So again an example of a waste. I´ve learned that for then next time I can avoid this frustated consum by going on a restaurant and spend my money there rather than buying some unused stuffs.

My mama had once said, that I am losing my spontaneous side when it comes to decide things. so I guess it´s also a part of unspontaneous when I felt guilty at buying those unused things.Supposably I just have to let it go, it´s part of stupidity that will always happened.

Actually I could almost not reach the bus as I want to go shopping for sweets in the citycentrum. I had my clock one minute too late and without Henry waiting for me in the middle of the bus door. And yet as I went home with bus again, I bought no bus ticket and though in my mind I´ve realized that there´s one suspicious and looked like controller without uniform, I still didn´t react. I got caught for not paying 1,1 euros and must pay a fine for 40euros. You know what mama always told me, that I am not tricky enough. true. so I think it´s a big NOOOOO for me to play with rules from now on. Since I am not clever enough and clumsy when it comes to decide,react or response quickly I just have to be a good and boring girl.

Or was it a matter of stingy? I was. When I and Henry just finished shopping, there was a man asking for a euro as he just had bad luck and I let Henry instead of me giving the one euros! I hate myself.

I am stingy, like I always buy for me stuffs (from foods,clothes,all possibilities) at supermarkt when it has sale mark on them. And I almost never buy myself things I like when it doesn´t sale. Or is it part of this unspontaneousnes? I am too strict to myself and I don´t really know how to loosen up a bit without feeling guilty.

I have tried to loosen up a bit and tried changing my mood by going to city centrum to shop. But I found out that I got more troubles and broke more rules by this effort. I was absent in an essentiall lecture from the economics of food industries just to try loosing up by going shopping. I had also experienced that by not going to lectures and just learning by myself, I´ve failed an exam, the genetic.

It was the first time to experience this Failure in Exam and also a practicum from Physics. This time it was caused more likely by my anxiety for being in a group with germans. I have to strive when I am together with the germans. But to other foreigner it makes me more relax. But it turned out bad. I was once told to be frightened by people when I was a baby. Manytimes I think it´s still happened.

Yet these experiences in Freising cost much. But I would consider it as important.

a reason to start

mercoledi, dicembre10-2008
one of my longest winter night ever in my life.

it´s 3 a.m. at the moment with a marzipan christmas stollen müller by my side and I´ve just created my blog and starting to post for the first time.

as a beginner in writing a blog I just want to take it easy with all my writings. Usually I am not the typ to write a blog,as I thought it´ll be just a waste of time. But why on earth am I writing a post now in my blog? there´s always a reason.

´´people do change.´´
agreed.In former times I liked to have all my feelings to be written in my diary (had already 2 diaries). However as I moved out from my home sweet home-mein Vaterstadt-dan tanah airku.
I couldn´t continue writing there, as I feel so much lost while writing or even just opening my diary. It´s no longer a matter of what you call home sick. There has just been a huge different in my life, so to say. I just miss lots of things. a pitty that we can not go back in time.

So it has been a year that I live abroad, in Freising, Bayern-Germany. a quiet village full of students. Freising is even not bigger than Kelapa Gading from the size and doesn´t support you with lots of entertaining facilities. Indeed it´s a suitable place to study. and the University where I study, TU München (a technical university) is similar to ITB in Indonesia. and to be spesific I am studying in Weihenstephan also part of this elite University, that famous within the Germans
to be a really difficult place to study from it´s highly pretension.

And a few hours ago, here comes again the question from a fellow student of mine that always hunted me. What can we get from this great effort while studying? It doesn´t give you any guarranty that you will achieve something greater in your life by studying here.Isn´t it better when we just take it easy? I used to believe, after making effort and trying so hard I could achieve the best in my life scenario. But here where people come and go, I can also see students that even not bother themselfs to go to lectures but still make it all in exams. The fact that as a foreigner is that you can not understand it perfectly (max is 50%) even if you keep attending every lectures.

It bothers me more and more. Maybe better to just take the most of time to learn by myself? Though for the time being I can not go on with my learning. For past weeks I can't concentrate more. In an extreme way to say is this trapped feelings fulling me. to live a life full of campus is now for me not lively at all. I live in a campus area. In Freising there's only this university. Every breath I take, every step I take is inside this monotonous cycle.

I just want to be gratefull but in the meantime it's difficult to think positive. Now for me I am using this media to lift me up. I am trying to feel better by letting it out. self therapy first then I am good. females are playing with their emotion.

It's now my second night (in a week) when I couldn't sleep at all. Before I can always sleep no matter what after some time. Quite an extreme in compare to previous years when I was at school. I've judged myself as a sleep-lover. Before coming here I haven't had any problem sleeping or troubles of waking from my sleep repeatedly. It's from the lack of physical activities or also this demand on me because again I just live to do my all university thing. I think I just have to find some other things to change my focus like I do with tennis or IMA (Indonesia Mental Arrithmetic) with this sempoa or Megabrain or UCV.

Normaly when this sleep problem occur, however I can still sleep after some times of waiting. But I think this sleep problem is no big deal. There's a lot of people having the same problem too. I know Mak Bandung (Granny) has it also while she is old. So it is not at all bad with this sleep problem experience I can then get myself accustom to it and see things from other side. My deepest simpathy to the one who can not get enough rest or good sleep. "Please spare some more extra time to sleep as your body need it then you can feel or imagine (It's for my whole family: Papa, Mama, Yosi and Rene.)"

Finally I could say it's my whole motive to beginn writing a blog. not interesting but crucial.